Download 2010: The Festival Highlights of a Personable Metal Afficionado

I was just looking through some of the documents I have saved on my old computer, and I came across this thing, which I can barely remember writing, but was asked to do so for my university magazine. The content was self consciously ridiculous and a little vulgar, and I don’t even remember seeing it in print, so I thought I’d share it with you guys, seeing as it made me laugh, almost three years later:

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As a tribe, if not as some bizarrely mutated subspecies, we metalheads have an at once playful and disturbing fascination with the sordid, as my friend pointed out while we watched an ageing Angus Young striptease the crowd amid Brian Johnson’s wheezy invocations for titty. Anyway, establishing any sense of chronology would be impossible after some entrepreneurial smoke peddler stopped by our tent early on the second day, and much of what we saw and heard melded into a haze of downtuned guitars and onomatopoeic vocals. Such were the sets of Killswitch Engage and Lamb of God, host to some pretty whiplash inducing headbanging, especially during the former bands rendition of holy diver – an ode to the late Ronnie James Dio. AC/DC were the highlight of the first day for reasons previously mentioned as well as a cool animatronic stage show, and some rad songs.

The second day consisted of elbowing past overweight middle aged metalheads guzzling Chinese and using their saggy man-breasts as gravy bibs, just to get a better look at Megadeth who were on superb form, playing a set consisting mainly of songs taken from fan favourite 1990 album Rust In Peace. On the second stage Cancer Bats served as a crushing bridge to Deftones’ return to form, just before Rage Against The Machine rode in on a wave of current British popularity and stole the weekend. Sweat dripping from every pore we return past the sulphurous bog the portaloos have become – the use of which was not unlike swimming in a vat of diced onion and Branston pickle – to our tent, which must have been composed entirely of fecal matter by that point and brace ourselves for the final day. Disaster. We miss 3 Inches Of Blood by… Never mind, we think as we light up and wait for Slash, with Miles Kennedy on vocals; as expected he blows us out of the water with an incredibly impressive set comprised of both songs from his recently released solo album, and old Guns N’ Roses classics such as Night Train and Sweet Child O’ Mine, all of his brilliance shining through in the crafting of the songs and the soaring guitar solos. Then to the second stage, just before Dillenger Escape Plan get on, riding on the recent release of Option Paralysis, and who play a ferocious set. By now though, some divine force has noticed the subterranean clot of scum congealed around Donnington park and decides to flush us out. Making our retreat to our tent we get blazed and fall into a narcoleptic doze before Aerosmith, honouring the veteran band in the truly geriatric fashion they deserve.

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